When I was running the consulting business, I usually hit at least one special occasion a year that I was working away from home. Of course, there are a few: Valentine’s, anniversary, birthdays and Mother’s day. I realized tonight that this will be the third Valentine’s Day in a row that I’ll have spent away from home. So, if you need something to blame this post on, you can blame it on that 
In the world of business, deals and partnerships are often struck over a cup of coffee (or chasing a golf ball, etc.). If, after having some time to think it through, the respective businesses want to pursue the partnership, one or both may issue a memorandum of understanding which describes in general terms the nature of the partnership. Once this is done, it is up to various departments within each business to hammer out a contract which details who will be doing what. Many would say that the partnership does not exist until the contract is signed, and further to that, that the contract itself is the partnership. I disagree. Contracts exist solely for the eventuality that a partner fails to keep its portion of the partnership.
I believe that many in our society have the same misconception about marriage. About six years ago, Andrea and I were approached about having a dedication for Emma. We decided that we would do it on the condition that I got to give the message. Everyone was agreeable to that, so we did. The irony in my message was that other than to compare the dedication to a wedding, I really did not talk about either children or dedications. Somewhere in the middle of my talk, I said,
A wedding and a marriage are not the same thing. A wedding is the moment in time when two people stand among friends and(/or) family and publicly state the commitment they have already made to each other. Marriage is what you do, day in, day out, to keep that commitment.
What I hoped to communicate to the audience was that the dedication was a ceremony. We were already committed to and had been raising Emma in a manner consistent with the dedication. I did not want them to confuse the dedication ceremony with the parenting.
In my tangent about business deals, I was really making an illustration for our marriage. When it comes down to it, Andrea and I came to the decision of marriage over dinner. I don’t think either of us had much in the way of second thoughts, but, we did allow a period of time for that. A few weeks after the initial decision, we went and picked out a potential engagement ring. A couple weeks after that, I went out and bought said ring and later “surprised” her with it (she was so not surprised). About a year later, we had the wedding. I have to be honest and say, I don’t know specifically where our marriage license/certificate is. I wonder how many couples do. I could probably find it in an hour or so. The last time I saw it was 2-3 years ago.
Do you see my point? That day and that piece of paper are not a marriage unless the marriage is already broken. How many people hold out their marriage certificate to their spouse and say, “You promised!”?
In my dedication talk, I also discussed the second commandment, “That shalt not make any graven image”. For some, at least, I do not think they saw the correlation. The lesson of the commandment is not about making figurines. It’s a warning against making the image or representation of something more important than the thing itself. And, IMO, that’s what our society has done with marriage. The wedding and the marriage certificate are representations of marriage, but they are not marriage. Our society pays far more attention to whether two people have had a wedding than it does to how they treat each other. (TBH, the bickering and legal wrangling over the definition of marriage is ridiculous. In the end, however it is defined, it will not make any difference in my marriage nor should it make any difference in any marriage worth having.)
Marriage is work, but, if both work at it, they will have a marriage that works. Marriage is a state of being not a memory or an object. Perhaps, if our society leaned in that direction, the things professed on Valentine’s Day would endure throughout the year.
