This article was prompted by an entry at Spunky Homeschool.
It is a given, in many circles, that the homeschooling parent will be the mom, because she is the one who stays home. But what if the dad homeschools the children? In our experience, we know two families in which the dad does either the bulk of or all of the homeschooling. In one, the dad stays home and the wife works. In our specific case, Ron works outside the home (and at home occasionally) as well as overlooks at least one subject, and acts as general backup.
While there are people who hold to an ideal of the husband working while the wife stays home, in some cases this just isn’t possible, nor is it desireable. It would be folly to force the higher wage-earner to stay home, as well as sometimes there are couples who want reversed gender stereotypes in their household. The family I mentioned above, with the dad staying home, are able to do so because the wife is the higher wage earner. The dad is perfectly happy to stay home with the children and manage the household. I must say, he does a really good job of it, too.
I can’t speak entirely for my own husband, but I know he has been extremely grateful and has treasured the times when he was able to be home with our children for extended times. To insist that the mother automatically can do better because she is female, is to deny fathers of a wonderful opportunity. We have talked to a few men who struggle with being a sensitive, caring, involved father in a society that tries to separate them from their children. Ron and I discussed early on in our relationship that we both felt at least one parent should stay home with any children. Weighing our education and job prospects, we jointly decided that it was smarter for him to work and for me to stay home. Either one of us can manage the children and the household equally well.
I have no compunction with saying that if we could, we would happily trade places.
I disagree. This statement “folly to force the higher wage-earner to stay home” is missing the point. The gender does matter reguardless of the potental earnings.
I don’t know if it is completely folly to have the higher wage earner stay home – I suppose it depends on a lot of things. For example, there was a time when though I had the higher earning potential, Sage did most of the work and I “stayed home” (we were actually both at home though she was occupied with web design much of the time.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is that (and I suppose it goes without saying) that while money can be a factor in the decision, it doesn’t have to be the sole motivator and if the higher wage-earner wants to stay home and it is possible (though not as lucrative) this isn’t necessarily a bad idea.
Now that we’re in Toronto, though, it would be folly for us too switch – the cost of living here is too high for Sage to support us – even if immigration were to allow it before we got our permanent residency.
John:
If you are in the situation where only one of the couple is in a position to make enough salary to meet the bills then that is what has to be done. Our society is structured for both parents working and often the second HS parent takes on work on the side just to make those bills. Earlier this year, we were discussing the possibility of both of us working but on alternate shifts so that one of us was always home.
Todd:
We are in the same situation as you.
Ron
Does the word of God matter to you or do you know better than God? If you know better then God, by all means do what is right in your own eyes. As for me and my house I will work by the sweet of my brow and my wife will be the keeper of the home. I know of no better plan and for the record I am not smarter than God.
I tend to think that in an ideal situation, the mom should stay at home. Emphasis on “ideal” – which doesn’t always exist. I also believe God’s grace covers all homes that seek to honor Him, whether it’s the mom staying home or not. (Grace, something that last comment was short on. ~grin~) I also know how hard it is to live in a society that expects both parents to be wage-earners. When we got married, I made a higher wage than my husband, and I kept working until we had our first. We then moved across the state to a place where the living costs are much lower so that I could stay at home with the kids. But even if it’s the mom staying home, the dad can – and should – be involved in the kids education. In our house, Kevin knows what’s going on with school, helps me pick materials, follows up with the kids on what they’re learning, and does all the icky, messy, and explosive science experiments that I don’t like to do.
Interesting, I have had no time to write about this but I think Johm makes some very good points. We cannot base our decision on what society creates for us to work with. Our fundamental principles should be established in the word of God as the reasons for why we would or would not do something.
John,
We did not intend this site to be a place where folks primarily debated the interpretation of Christian doctrine. We are a homeschooling site. It is our intent to encourage any who are interested in or desire to homeschool, to do so. As Christians, we will manage and participate in discussions according to the following scripture:
The verb ‘is’ tells us that the fruit is a singular subject. Therefore, discussion prompted by the Spirit will be guided by all 7 of these virtues.
Secondly, in response to the general tone of your comment, I will add the following verse which closely follows the above verse:
Finally, I believe the real difference of opinion we have is over what ‘keeping the home’ means. As far as I am concerned, a mother who works to enable her children to be homeschooled is doing far more toward keeping her home than one who stays at home ‘keeping the house’ and sending the children to school when her working would enable them to be home. If you believe differently than that, I respect that.
Carrie, thank you.
Spunky, will wait until you read this.
I think John asked a valuable question even if not in the best way. (I’m often guilty of this myself and the internet is a terrible judge of tone as well.)
The question is still valid and worth consideration. It appeared from the post itself that Andrea wrote that she was letting situations determine what is the right course of action for a family. John asks if the bible is a consieration in your determination of the rightness of the situation. That is a excellent question. Peoples worldview is shaped by the things they believe – biblical or otherwise.
You made this statement, ‘While there are people who hold to an ideal of the husband working while the wife stays home, in some cases this just isn’t possible, nor is it desireable. It would be folly to force the higher wage-earner to stay home.
From this statment it appears as though you may be putting income as the larger weight in making your assessment of who should stay at home. Is that accurate or as Johm asks are their biblical considerations.
The fruit of the spirit is an excellent way to determine conversation on a blog. You are using an excellent standard for determine what is acceptable speech in your blog and in the comments section. It would also be helpful to the discussion to know if there are biblical considerations you would think necessary to apply to the issue of homeschooling just as you do to blogging.
Spunky,
A base assumption that both Andrea and I make in writing here is that a reader has already made their fundamental decision on Biblical consideration before they get to this site. In issues where there is time for consideration, every Christian I have known considers the Biblical implications (not always correctly) before any other considerations. And non Christians don’t.
Given a reader that has made that determination, likely the next biggest consideration is the financial implications. I would prefer to live in a world or time where that was not the case, but that was not my choice to make. But since it is, it is worth airing it.
Outside of that, I think Andrea has given a small window for people to see how this Christian home works. Some will like how it works, some will not. To properly address the Biblical considerations in a decision such as this would require a book rather than a blog post. I can answer specific questions but I certainly do not have 3 or 4 quick verses that I can quote to explain or justify my families inner workings.
Does that answer fairly enough without techincally answering?
I disagree with the statement “…in some cases that just isn’t possible, nor is it desireable.”
Desireable for who? For you or for God? I think the bible is clear that women should be keepers of the home. Titus 2:3-5. See spunkys blog for my support on husbands working to support the family.
Our God is a God of order. It’s all throughout the bible and creation. One of the areas he places order is in the church and family. If a wife is working and becomes the provider- what happens to the ordinance in the marriage? It would be very difficult for a wage earner to not feel more like the leader of the home. Would she be able to submit to her husband as well? I think many problems could arise in this situation. There is a reason God put ordinances on marriage and family and church- it’s because it works. When we don’t follow it, we then have to pay the consequences of that.
And don’t get me started on what I think about women being in the workforce!!!!
Susan
Ron,
If you make that assumption when you write that is fine. However, that still doesn’t get around the statement that it is folly to force the higher wage earner to stay home. From what perspective is it folly? Certainly, to some it would seem folly but to others it isn’t. And that depoends on the worldview one holds thus John’s question.
But I don’t think that financial considerations are made in a vacumn once biblical principles are settled. Nor that we are free to make a decsion that would conflict with the scriptures. It is because of biblical ocnvicntion that certain options would no longer be considered desirable and sometimes they would be ocnsidered folly. A woman who could potentially earn more is an excellent example of this. God says that he will use the foolish things of the world to confound the wise. That a wife would give up a lucrative career and choose to stay home despite the great loss of income seems foolish to some but from a biblical worldvieew is actually wise. I know first hand. I was earning nearly twice what my husband was making and I seemed destined for six figures well before the age of 30. But I gave it all up to stay at home for my husband and future family. It wasn’t foolish at all I believe my marriage prospered because of this decision.
Spunky,
Thank you for doing a much better job of articulating John’s argument. Neither Andrea nor I were suggesting that someone in a situation such as yours was making a wrong choice. We were not directing our discussion to those homes where either parent could earn enough income to support the home. In my response to John I said,
If the conviction you get through studying the Bible is that all women must stay home at whatever cost to the family then I will understand that. I say the following with no disrespect to what you believe:
I do not get the conviction that a woman should stay home at any cost in what I read. For example Jesus said,
And I take that warning very seriously.